Feel No More (Feel No Less)
by Holly The Sparkling Unicorn
Summary: With his mother's constant expectations and his father's inability to make anything change, Sirius Black has to take matters in his own hands. Mentions Suicide.


**Feel No More** (Feel No Less)

At first, I thought I might like the silence  
No mother yelling at me  
No father pretending to agree  
Just nothing  
But then everything went silent.

I was hanging from the ceiling fan  
The gold and scarlet scarf around my neck  
I couldn't breathe  
I couldn't hear  
All the things around me were silent

I vaguely remember my little brother coming into my room  
I think he screamed and ran to get dad  
Dad was concerned, I know he was  
After all, it isn't normal for an eleven-year-old boy  
to try and make everything go silent.

But still, I was hanging there on my suicidal attempt  
I was taken down, my peace ephemeral  
They brought me to St. Mungo's  
I remember that, almost  
I think I was slipping in and out of silence.

"I thought I'd hit rock bottom, but apparently rock bottom has a basement  
I remember waking up to my father telling my mother to relax  
Mother, her temper ablaze just yelled louder, my ears were ringing  
I cursed by little brother for the rescue  
And I went back to the silence

The next real memory I had was when my mother got mad at me (yet again)  
She was furious, fueled with anger, wild and uncontrollable  
I was lying in a lime green hospital bed when she began to shout  
"MY SON WOULD NEVER DO ANYTHING TO DAMAGE THE BLACK FAMILY'S NAME!"  
because all she cared about was that name, not my current state of silence.

She didn't care that I was in a hospital bed  
Or that I was hooked up to oxygen  
She didn't care that I was a vivid aquamarine color - that I could have died  
She only cares that I'm an heir  
Almost like the name is one to be put on a throne before the silent.

My father though  
He's different  
He was asking me how I was  
A lot  
It was annoying but at least he cared about my current state of silent.

Thanks to him I changed and didn't like the silence after that night  
It scared me... I felt so guilty  
That night I would just listen to my brother sleeping in the hospital bed next to me  
His chest going up and down as he slept, I felt happy that he refused to go home  
But then he would scream, making me regret all the silence

I was giving my little brother nightmares  
He was only eight years old  
He was too young to understand  
Too young to know the burden of being a Black  
Too young to know the burden of that silence.

I was also young to actually understand  
However, I knew that if I went against anything that Mother wanted  
You would be made to do terrible things  
Like spending a night without food and water  
Increasing the possible benefits and beauty of silence.

My brother was the good child  
He didn't do anything to make mother upset  
He did everything she said without question  
But how could she always be right?  
Was she another form of silence?

How could she be able to tell me muggles are scum  
When she, herself, has never even talked to one?  
I liked the people down the street, all of our neighbors were nice  
Certainly, if she hated them so much we wouldn't be living in a big city?  
The house completely surrounded by mother's version of silence.

I didn't understand life  
I didn't understand my mother's rules  
I didn't understand how my father would just listen to her  
He wouldn't go against her either, why was everyone afraid of her?  
Why was I, at eleven-years-old, the only one that would go against my mother's silence?

I was the only one who asked questions  
I needed to know the answers  
So I stayed in the hospital  
Mother was furious  
But the doctors recommended I stay after my silent attempt.

The inferno in mother's eyes was maddening  
They were large, just like a real fire  
Flames growing from the kindle  
Ready to burn  
Ready to make you silenced.

72-hour inspection they called it  
I wonder what would have happened if I hung from the swings  
The swings from the muggle park across from the house  
The park that we were forbidden to go into  
Because if we associated with the Muggle children we wouldn't be silently perfect

I can't imagine what mother would have said  
If I would have been out in the open like that  
Cameras in her face, reporters trying to understand  
Somehow I think she would deny knowing me  
She wouldn't have bothered to come out of the silence

Sirius, of course, is an abomination! I could hear her say,  
No idea where he went, or if he is dead or alive  
That's when she would fake the tears  
Because really she didn't care  
She wouldn't mind if I was resting completely in silence

My therapist soon learned that  
Oh wait, not a therapist, after all, that's a Muggle term  
The Black's couldn't use anything that a Muggle would use  
That wouldn't please mother at all  
It wouldn't be her perfect amount of silence

She was livid  
A spark goes off in her head  
"What will we tell everyone?  
Tonight is the annual Ball!"  
Causing the room to go completely silent once again.

It was funny, I thought, my 'healer' was looking at her strangely  
I could easily tell that he was surprised  
Like he wasn't believing her luxurious words from before  
It took long enough for him to see  
"Your son just attempted to silence himself and you're worried about what to tell people?"

I decided then that I quite liked my therapist  
Mother didn't like that question one bit  
She just nodded, I think she was speechless  
No one told Walburga Black what to do or say  
No one contradicted her or tried to silence her, except me, of course

Mother left after that in a huff  
Father kissed the top of my head  
"Be strong, little one," he would encourage.  
I didn't get why he could only be loving when my mother wasn't around  
It shows weakness in your mother's eyes I silently thought back to what my father told me once.

But if that was true, then why was he still with her?  
She was nothing but mean to him  
Not to mention to me  
It's like the only one she liked was my brother, she didn't even like her siblings  
Or anyone else in our family that only produce love for silence.

After a while, I'm let out  
"You shamed our family!"  
My mother would say once we are home  
"You will clean the house top to bottom!"  
After all this time, I know not to go against my mother, I just go and clean, in complete silence

It was then that I had an idea  
Mother was the reason for my silent attempt  
I loved my father and brother dearly  
Without her, we could be free  
We could be without her deadly silence

While cleaning I find an object  
Hypocritical at best  
I recognized it as something my mother banned  
A gun, perhaps?  
Maybe this could help aid in my silent mission

My father is naive  
For having hope in this insanity  
There is no redemption  
For the viciously evil.  
The only thing to do is silence her.

It took me a week to get my plans straight  
I would go to the dinner table before everyone was seated  
I could not scar my little brother again  
I could not have my father stopping me  
I needed my mother silent

I was quick on my feet that night  
The metallic object hidden beneath my clothes  
"What do you want, Sirius?"  
I shakenly pointed the gun and…  
Bang. _Silence._

* * *

Word Count: 1291

Assignment 11: Task #7: Write about someone with an intense dislike or hatred of Muggles

Character Appreciation; Regulus Black

Disney Challenge; Guilt - Write about someone feeling guilty

Amber's Attic: Klusterfuck: Write about someone raised by parents with conflicting beliefs.

Count Your Buttons; Scarf, "[character] of course is an abomination.", encouragement

Lyric Alley; Of having hope in this insanity

Ami's Audio Admirations; No Such Thing As The Number Six — Write about someone not believing in something real.

Sophie's Shelf; Write a poem

Em's Emporium; Theodore Tonks/Andromeda Tonks: write about someone unlearning toxic ideology.

Lo's Lowdown; write about someone doing a terrible thing for what they think are the right reasons

Yearly Challenge; Resolutions; Write a Poem, Write a marauder fic, Pick a character that dies and give them a happy ending instead, Write a "what if?" (What if Sirius didn't exist?)

Days of The Week; August 11, 2018 - Son and Daughter Day: Write a kid!fic

Birthstones: Alexandrite - (dialogue) "I thought I'd hit rock bottom, but apparently rock bottom has a basement."

Summer prompts; Relax

Flower prompts; Cosmos - (title) Feel No More (Feel No Less)

Fire Prompts; Blaze

Musical Challenge; write about someone going to a psychiatrist

Gryffindor Prompts; Sirius Black, impulsive, Gryffindor scarf

Star Chart; Rescue

World Cup; Sirius Black

Gobstones; Darkness, Lime green, pessimist, ringing

Yearly Insane House Prompts; 389. Ephemeral

Yearly 365 Prompts; Era - Marauder

Who's Your Daddy?; (character) Orion Black

Fire Faerie: Flame, Burn, Fire, Kindle, Ablaze, Inferno, Anger, Fuel, Wild, Uncontrollable

Film Festival; Setting - Hospital

Hot Air Balloon; aquamarine

Eagle Month; **Gilderoy Lockhart:** (location) St. Mungo's **(bonus)** ; (word) infamous


End file.
